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BREAKING NEWS
President Trump’s Twitter Reported to Have Been Controlled by Hackers for Past Several Years
July 26
Players Arriving in Orlando Surprised to find “NBA Bubble” Actually an Enormous Physical Bubble
July 26
Local Teacher Says Student Went to the Bathroom Just Last Week
July 19
New Evidence Shows that Ancient Egyptians Hired Local Mexican Construction Company to Build Pyramids
July 19
Rikers University Solves Global Warming. Chief Keef to Win Nobel Peace Prize
July 12
The Rikers Times
Exposed for Using Chinese Sweatshops to Produce Newspaper
July 12
Macy’s Announces that an Error in Firework Scheduling Changed Show Length from 25 Minutes to 25 Days
July 5
The Homeless Population of the Bay Area Plans to Go on Strike
July 5
Rikers University Begins Research and Development of Less Slippery Soap
June 28
CDC Recommends New “Quantum Distancing” Guidelines
June 28
Police Departments Request the National Guard to Help Fend off “Mean” Peaceful Protesters
June 21
New York City Students Clean Up All of Central Park
June 21
Candidate Joe Biden Releases Ad of Him Kissing Granddaughter
June 14
Bronx Science Terminates All Detentions in Favor of Rikers Correctional Center
June 14
Coronavirus Testing Linked Directly to Increase in Number of Cases
June 7
Jeff Bezos Projected to Become First-Ever Trillionaire
June 7
SpaceX Astronauts Make the Right Choice, Leave as World Collapses into Chaos
May 31
Elon Musk Plans to Land First Man on the Sun by 2038
May 31
What Should You Spend Your Stimulus Check On?
May 24
Local High School Lies to Students About Daily Attendance Form
May 24
CollegeBoard Forces Millions of Students Across the Country to Lie About Cheating
May 17
Investigation Into Local Graveyard Finds Thousands of Bodies Buried Mysteriously With Stone Identification Slabs
May 17
BMCC Sets Record For Lowest Acceptance Rate of Any College in History
May 10
New Study from Rikers University Shows Homeless People Just Lack That “Go-Getter” Attitude
May 3
Spacecraft Designers Begin to Incorporate Easy-Open Windows After Astronaut Complains of Claustrophobia
May 3
Kim Jong-Un Opens Charity to Feed Starving North Koreans
April 26
International Climate Change Activist Greta Thunberg is Discovered to Own Several Coal Mining Factories
April 26
New Study from Rikers University Demonstrates Surprising Solution to World Hunger
April 19
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