RIKERS ISLAND, United States of America—Rikers University has stunned the world again. After solving world hunger, it has not even taken the prestigious institution 3 months to solve another one of the world’s most pressing issues. For years, scientists have been pressing companies and the public to decrease consumption and our carbon footprint overall. They have continuously stressed that if the temperature of the planet increases by just 2 degrees Celsius, disastrous consequences will follow, including flooding of major coastal cities and mass extinctions of species across the planet. However, companies and the public alike have not been quick to heed the advice of scientists for obvious reasons. While scientists have been clear to outline the problem of climate change for the public, they have neglected to clarify exactly what 2 degrees Celsius is. Most people measure temperature in Fahrenheit and do not know the conversion between Celsius and Fahrenheit. As a result, they were unable to comprehend the meaning of the 2 degree Celsius warning and completely ignored it instead. Itis now too late for the previous solution of decreasing carbon emissions to be effective so environmental scientists have been searching for a new solution. And the search for one has seemed fruitless until now.

          Rikers University just released their solution to global warming earlier today, citing that the solution to climate change is something no one would’ve guessed: increased carbon emissions. Dr. Chief Keef of Rikers University released a statement today saying, “We asked ourselves: what is the problem here? It’s obvious that the answer is climate change. But what exactly is causing climate change? Human activity. We’ve been heating up the planet by increasing our carbon footprint through the use of factories, cars, and cows. And we’ve been told that if we continue to increase our carbon footprint, we’ll have massive issues and humans will face extinction. However, if our carbon footprint is the root of the issue here, then human endangerment is the perfect solution. If we’re endangered, our population decreases, our consumption decreases, and that will allow the planet to return to normal.”

          This solution has been extremely controversial amongst the scientific community who have stated that it defeats the purpose of saving the planet if it means that we have to decrease our population significantly to do so. Some have even said this solution is ungodly and inhumane. Despite the backlash Rikers University has faced for its publication, they hold strong in their beliefs and continue to promote their solution.

          It would appear that they are not alone in believing this new solution either. Elon Musk, founder of Tesla and SpaceX, has recently announced he will be canceling all Tesla operations and burning down all Tesla factories, in an attempt to right the wrong he has been promoting for so many years by building and selling electric cars. He hopes the emissions from burning Tesla factories will contribute significantly to the increase of carbon emissions around the world. He is also launching a new car company which he has named “Coala”, a seemingly clever play on the word “coal,” pronounced like “koala.” Musk stated the purpose of the new company is “to make cars that are as inefficient as sloths. Sloths sometimes die just trying to digest food. Similarly, cars from my new company will kill the atmosphere 7x more efficiently than any other car.” Musk has done a complete 180  on his view on how to save the planet, and while it must not have been easy for him to give up his life’s work for the greater good, he has done so anyways, and staff here at The Rikers Times applauds his effort.

          Scientists at the Rikers University have been lauded as Nobel Peace Prize candidates for their work in the past week. They have solved both world hunger and global warming in the past months, and have no doubt done their share to keep our world safe and habitable. One of the top scientists at the University, Dr. Holden Peanus stated, “We’ve been working nonstop. The world has problems and we want to find solutions. Several scientists at this institution have not slept in several months, and we’ve been eating prison food since we got here. We’re not going to complain, though. We still have lots of work to do to ensure that the good people of the world reap the full benefits of our research here at Rikers Island.” Rikers University is a private research institution founded by Isaac Newton in the year 1692, and it has contributed to the solutions of several world problems since its establishment. Regardless, this study on the solution to climate change will no doubt be remembered as one of the greatest accomplishments of this institution, and of any institution in the world.