NEW YORK CITY, New York—For the past several weeks, fireworks have been raging across the night sky of New York City. At first, many Big Apple residents found the illegal displays ridiculous or entertaining, but now many are questioning the origin of the fireworks.

          As it turns out, Macy’s has the answer to the question on the minds of many New Yorkers. The CEO of the retail company, Jeffrey Gennette, stated, “Due to a simple calculation error in our fireworks department, the Macy’s fireworks show was accidentally changed in length from 25 minutes to at least 25 days, costing our company well over $144 million. Clearly, someone in accounting forgot to move the decimal place over the appropriate number of times and multiplied our fireworks show to be 1,440 times longer than usual.” Gennette also added that the employee responsible for the accounting error will be tracked down, fired, and promptly executed for their incompetence.  

          Furthermore, the Macy’s executive board released a statement saying the company has no idea when the prolonged fireworks show will actually end as pyrotechnics working with Macy’s still have enough fireworks to burn through the whole month of July. The fireworks were actually purchased on sale with a ‘Buy 1 Get 1 Free’ promotion at Macy’s at the time of purchase. This means that while Macy’s spent over $100 million on the fireworks at their own stores, it actually got well over $200 million worth of the explosive entertainment. The board also said that it would “hate to ruin the fun” for the fireworks team and will allow them to continue until they run out.

          To support this initiative, Macy’s executives have also detailed plans to deal with NYPD officers who interfere with the fireworks. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo recently stated he would also deploy State Police to work with NYPD officers to contain the fireworks and bring peace to the city. However, Macy’s has other plans — the billion dollar corporation has put together an army of thousands of clerks, managers, and sales associates armed to the teeth and outfitted in riot gear to deal with any ‘pesky’ police officers who want to put a stop to the fireworks fun. All members of this militia are armed with the latest military technology (purchased directly from Macy’s Summer Clearance on military gear sales) including drones, spacecraft, and naval ships.  The Times also captured photographs of the CEO of Macy’s getting in on the summertime fun, giggling happily as he aimed fireworks at the windows of a nearby TJ Maxx store.

          Regardless of what happens with this fireworks fiasco over the next few weeks, NYC residents can be assured that it is due to the actions of one irresponsible corporation rather than many different irresponsible individuals.