THE BRONX, New York—Mrs. Washington, an English teacher at the Bronx High School of Science, has filed a complaint with the Department Of Education (DOE) after one of her students requested to be excused to the restroom this week. Mrs. Washington says that her student, Fredric Shore, asked to use the bathroom last Thursday and then asked AGAIN this past Tuesday.

          When the Times reached out to Mrs. Washington, she explained, “Fredric raised his hand on Tuesday and asked ‘Mrs. Washington, may I please use the restroom?’ Of course, I snapped at this request and yelled at him… he went to the bathroom LITERALLY JUST LAST WEEK! And he used it the Wednesday before THAT, and just two weeks before that he used the bathroom on Monday. The worst part is, he asks to go to the bathroom as soon as the class is getting to the best part of the book. The audacity of these students is appalling.” Mrs. Washington also explained that this has been a recurring issue with this particular student and that she discussed his fragile bladder with his parents and other teachers during parent-teacher conferences last fall, and spring, although they were extremely uncooperative and asserted that their child should be allowed to use the bathroom as needed.

          Mrs. Washington further explained the absurdity of the situation, comparing her own bathroom usage to that of her students. “According to my personal bathroom log, I use the bathroom approximately twice a month, thrice on a bad month, there is no way that some of these kids need to go multiple times a week. What could they possibly be doing in the bathroom? When Fredric went to the bathroom last week, he took ten whole minutes. Each student has an allotted time of eight minutes and thirty seconds to use the bathroom and return to class. At around the eighth minute, I noticed a spike in my blood pressure as I became extremely worried about Fredric. I was about to call the NYPD to investigate the situation, but luckily I’ve been doing yoga lately and was able to remain calm. Luckily, he returned safely at the ten-minute mark just as my heart rate began to peak. His eyes were bloodshot, probably since he was so tired from using the bathroom and eager to get back to learning.” Washington also explained that students using the bathroom for too long is the reason her cardiovascular health is in such good condition.

          The DOE has attempted to sue Shore for reckless endangerment of his teacher’s health, but the Supreme Court stepped in quickly and shut down the lawsuit after passing a new amendment to the Constitution. The 28th Amendment “protects an individual's right to ‘pee speech,’ meaning that anyone is allowed to raise their hand and request to use the restroom in any situation. Many have questioned the validity of this amendment since it seems to provide a loophole out of any situation, and many have questioned members of the Court to explain their decision. Unfortunately, all nine Justices asked to be excused to the restroom and no one was left to answer questions.

          The Times has also reached out to the now-infamous Fredric Shore for his activism in guaranteeing the right to use the bathroom for all. He simply stated, “I love using the bathroom, it gives me the time I need to release all the stress built out through the day. I gotta go use the bathroom to JUUL now. Mango flavored pods are my favorite, I get them from a guy who was recently released from Rikers!”