Bezos is expected to soon become the world’s first trillionaire. How does he plan to do it?

Jeff Bezos, currently the world’s richest man.

          June 7, 2020

SEATTLE, Washington—Jeff Bezos is currently the richest man in the world, with an estimated net worth of 149.2 billion USD as of 2020. However, several economists from Rikers University have projected his net worth to increase nearly tenfold in the coming years, and deem him likely to become the world's first ever trillionaire. These projections may come true even sooner now, as Bezos has set his sights on the goal, and is taking immediate action to achieve the status of the world’s first trillionaire in the near future.

          Bezos recently purchased the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing as well as the U.S. Mint for the combined price of what is likely pocket change for him, and he now controls the production of all currency in the United States. He has directed all new currency produced at either facility to be mailed directly to his home address which is actually just the U.S. Treasury building, which he had previously purchased for the relative price of an Arizona Iced Tea. This of course is not to be confused with the state of Arizona, which Bezos also plans to purchase in the near future. All 87,000 employees of the U.S.  Treasury now compose Bezos’s personal army. If anyone challenges his complete control of the flow of currency into the country, they will surely be faced by a formidable opposition.

          Members of Congress were confused as to how exactly they had allowed the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, the Mint, and the Treasury to be sold to an individual entity, but then realized that they had accidentally listed all three for sale on Zillow, an online real estate market, and Bezos had simply seized the opportunity to purchase them. After realizing their pockets were now full, the members of Congress were completely satisfied with the sales.

          The Times reached out to Bezos to for comment about how exactly he plans to proceed with becoming a trillionaire and what he plans to do with the money once he accumulates it. Bezos said, “Really I’m just going to keep printing money until I have a trillion dollars. Right now I have like what, 150 billion or something? Yeah, so 850 billion to print for myself, and we should be good. What do I plan to do with the money? I’m not sure, I’ll probably buy like Australia, or Bill Gates or something.”

          Economists at Rikers University had questions about the process as they asserted that by printing 850 billion USD for himself, Bezos would cause serious inflation, and could affect the value of the dollar immensely. In an interview with head economist Professor Adam Smith from the University, he said, “If Bezos goes through with this plan, those stimulus checks of $1200 will probably buy you a half bag of chips and a water bottle. With the country already reeling from the pandemic, we should hope that Bezos waits until most Americans recover before deciding to send everyone to the economic equivalent of a black hole.”

          However it affects the American people, everyone will surely be extremely proud of Jeff Bezos as he becomes a trillionaire with absolutely no concern for the welfare of literally anyone in the world who needs the money more than him.