BROWNSVILLE, Texas—Two SpaceX astronauts appear to have made the right choice late Saturday afternoon as they departed the Earth and made their way to the International Space Station. The astronauts, Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley, left in the middle of a global pandemic, as well as enormous protests supporting the BlackLivesMatter movement erupting all across America which just about solidifies the idea that the world is headed directly for anarchy and money will be nothing but paper in no time.

          It would almost seem as though the tech billionaire and genius Elon Musk was able to predict the global pandemic and protests that have completely changed the course of this country and the lives of all individuals. This idea, while ridiculous, will certainly be investigated by researchers from Rikers University if only to prove its ridiculousness. Otherwise, Tesla and SpaceX may be in deep trouble for plotting world destruction and domination.

          The Times reached out directly to the astronauts aboard the Crew Dragon for comment on the situation and were able to reach Behnken. When asked about his quick decision to abandon the planet, he said, “This planet is f--ked. The government is going to be meaningless in a few weeks. I don’t really want to stick around to find out what happens. Luckily we got this nifty spacecraft from my dawg Elon, so me and my boy Doug are gonna head the f--k out lmao. Maybe we’ll pop out to Mars and see if we can like, make a new civilization there or something.”

          Clearly, SpaceX picked some of its smartest astronauts to participate in the trip to the ISS, as they made the decision we all wish we could make and left while they still could. The rest of us will likely have to deal with the consequences of the U.S. and inevitably the rest of the world collapsing into total chaos, and who knows what that will look like. At least we know that two Americans will make it out of this alive. For the rest of us, the staff here at the Times has barricaded ourselves into a bunker and, as long as the Internet still exists, we are determined to continue to cover civilization crumbling into madness.