Greta Thunberg, youth climate change activist, and alleged oil baron.

          April 26, 2020

THE BRITISH EMPIRE, Europe—Greta Thunberg, the 17 year old international climate change activist, was recently named Person of the Year by Times Magazine for her contributions to the climate change movement and her encouragement of the world youth to join the movement. However, last week, information was released about her that may tarnish her image beyond recovery. Thunberg’s tax return for the 2019 fiscal year was recently leaked to the public through anonymous sources and revealed something extremely incriminating about her person.

          Thunberg’s tax returns demonstrate her ownership of several active coal mining factories in different parts of the world and shares in some of the biggest oil companies in the world, including Royal Dutch Shell and ExxonMobil. While she has publicized her image as a climate change activist who wants the world to change its path from our nature-harming ways to one of a renewable energy based world, her private businesses demonstrate this may have only been a ruse to promote her own business success. Thunberg clearly hoped that by promoting climate change activism, she could harm nonrenewable energy businesses that compete with her own factories, and believed she could make a huge profit as a result. By encouraging today’s youth to change their lifestyles, Thunberg hoped to cause other firms to leave the coal mining market in future years, which would eventually allow her to have an oil monopoly comparable to that of John D. Rockefeller or ConEdison. Dr. Chief Keef from Rikers University placed his opinion on the subject, saying “Thunberg clearly hoped to solidify her place as one of the greatest oil barons of all time. While using a seemingly unorthodox method of demoting her own industry in the public eye, she obviously knew exactly what she was doing and hoped to monopolize American oil once more.”

          Thunberg owns 12 factories in 7 different countries. Her assets contribute approximately 270 tons of greenhouse gases to the atmosphere every year. This evidence shows that she could definitely end climate change once and for all if she truly intended to, since she controls about 32% of the world’s total greenhouse gas consumption, enough to completely reverse the direction of global warming. Thunberg released a statement about her ownership of these factories saying, “I only kept these factories running to maintain the world’s climate. If I shut down these factories, the estimation is that another Ice Age would happen in only a few thousand years, ending human life on this planet once and for all. By keeping these factories open I was actually saving the human race.” This statement from the oil baron herself allowed us some confidence in her morals, as although she was clearly lying about her climate change agenda from the beginning, she definitely intended to save the human race regardless.