Rikers University Begins Research and Development of Less Slippery Soap
After years of endless complaints about the university soap being far too slippery, Rikers University has begun to develop its own soap.
Artisan soap currently used by students at Rikers University.
June 28, 2020
RIKERS UNIVERSITY, Rikers Island—Students at the world-renowned Rikers University have complained for years about the quality of the soap used at Rikers. The soap, an expensive artisan hand-crafted bar imported from France, is extremely slippery according to students. Many are concerned about dropping the soap in the infamous communal showers on campus. Dropping the soap can often lead to unintended consequences, such as slipping and falling when reaching down to pick it up, amongst other unforeseen predicaments. Some have attempted to sue the university for “inhumane conditions” regarding the soap used in the communal showers in hopes of securing some part of the university’s huge endowment, but none have succeeded in this matter.
However, Rikers University is nothing if not one of the top research universities in the country, and the problem with the soap has inspired a group of particularly distressed students to develop a less slippery product. The students are working under the renowned Korean professor, Dr. Long Shlong. Shlong provided insight into how their research is going in an exclusive interview with The Rikers Times.
“The carboxylic acids in soap are hydrophilic, however, soaps also contain a hydrophobic carbon chain,” said Dr. Shlong. “When you handle your soap with water, it means that water is in contact with the hydrophobic tail of the molecules. Essentially, it means that you are holding a block of oil, and that is why it is very slippery. By removing the hydrophobic carbon chain and replacing it with H2SO4, also known as sulfuric acid, we hope to make soap less slippery for the students.”
Clearly, Dr. Shlong is paving the way for one of the most important research endeavors in recent history. Less slippery soap would improve students' lives in so many ways, and Dr. Shlong’s proposed formula is simply revolutionary. The soap is projected to be 97% less slippery than before, and initial tests have shown that students are expected to remain in control of soap bars 72% more of the time.
Dr. Shlong and his team have set up a GoFundMe campaign to help garner support for their admirable endeavors and hope to share their research with those who suffer from the unavoidable consequences of slippery soap all over the world. Press the link below to donate and help fund this campaign!
