ATLANTA, Georgia—The novel Coronavirus pandemic has swept the world, infecting millions. In the United States, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has advised “social distancing” as a means of mitigating the virus’ spread.

          Social distancing began in March when the CDC recommended that all persons maintain a 6-foot distance between themselves and others in public. The virus continued to spread easily, however, and the CDC then recommended that everyone carry a vaulting pole to measure out even longer distances. This proved just as ineffective as people used the poles to damage moving cars from their own vehicles as though they were medieval jousting.  

          Eventually, the organization recommended each person purchase their own private island to avoid contact with all other humans. However, people complained that the islands were too hot and lacked trees for shade. Most island-seekers quickly returned to society, and the virus spread faster than ever. As such, the CDC has finally released a more abstract method of limiting the spread. This method is known as “quantum distancing.”

          The director of the CDC, Robert R. Redfield, explained this idea in a press conference early this morning. “It has proven largely inconvenient and ineffective for everyone to carry a tape measure with them and measure out 6-foot distances. Quantum distancing, on the other hand, completely destroys the virus’ ability to infect. All a person has to do to effectively quantum distance is remove themselves from the mortal world whenever they walk near someone else in public. The essence of their being enters the Shadow Dimension, and after both persons have put enough distance between themselves, they can return to the physical world.

          This of course raised many questions about the virus’ ability to travel through different dimensions and infect people as such, but Redfield assured critics that the virus is unable to leave this mortal realm. After so many failures by Redfield’s for-profit organization — and in light of the news that his middle initial R. actually stands for Rona — people were reluctant to follow his guidelines again.

          Researchers from Rikers University were able to duplicate these results in lab experiments and assure us that the virus is unable to remove itself from the physical world to follow us into a higher level of existence. However, they warned that the virus may eventually mutate to be able to enter the ethereal plane, and they will continue to monitor the status of viral transmissions. Based on this idea, quantum distancing will surely be the answer to solving the global pandemic, and it will only be a short period of time before other countries begin to implement these reality-bending guidelines as well.